MaKayla Alissa Burris

MaKayla, our oldest daughter, is nine years old and she came to us on 11/19/2001, though she was born on the 16^th.  I think most parents will say that there is always a special place in your heart for your first child. This does not mean you love them more or different, it just means that they are your first experience in this thing called parenting. First time with anything is exciting, and that is the same for becoming a parent for the first time. MaKayla was our longest wait. We had been married six years before we were blessed with our beautiful little girl. Part of that was one and a half years of newly wedded bliss that was interrupted by a year-long separation due to my husband’s military commitment. We had only been married a few months when he had to go to Korea on a one-year unaccompanied tour in the Army. After his return, there was one and a half years of waiting due to fertility treatments. We started the adoption process with LDS Family and Social Services and waited three, long years to be chosen by a birthmother for an infant, domestic adoption. Yes, I think that was the hardest wait of all. We KNEW we would eventually be chosen, but by who, when, how much longer would we wait, I’m not getting any younger, what if we have to move…it goes on and on.

But oh my goodness, no words can describe what I felt when we got “THE CALL!” (if I remember correctly, it was the day before 9/11 occurred). Our social worker said that a young mother, due in about 3-4 months, picked us to be her baby’s parents. However, we had put on our list of possible ethnicities, Caucasian and Caucasian only. Looking back, this is actually funny as you all can see we are a family of many colors. But, at the time our social worker wasn’t sure if we would accept this child because there was a possibility that the child could be Hispanic. I didn’t care, oh my gosh, just to get a phone call, the thought of a baby in just a few more months, the wait finally over…but what would Phil say? I was at work when I got the call and immediately called Phil, who was also at work. I told him we got the call, told him the situation and what he thought. Well, no surprise, OR COURSE WE WILL TAKE THE BABY! Oops, I forgot to ask the social worker what the sex was. When I called him back I told him we accept and, by the way, what sex is the child. It’s a girl…a girl…A GIRL!! A beautiful, little girl! She was going to be our first child.

Of course, the next few days we went through every girl name known to man. We finally settled on Breanna Alissa Burris. Doesn’t that just conjure up a beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed baby doll? However, two weeks before we are to pick her up, I was talking to Phil about a colleague of mine named Michaelynn, but I accidentally said MaKayla. As soon as I said that name, he looked up wide eyed and said, “That’s it; that is her name!” No way, we agreed on Breanna. But, he was so insistent he would not budge. Well, now looking at her she looks more like a MaKayla than a Breanna and come to find out, MaKayla is a form of Michael, which means gift from God. VERY APPROPRIATE!

A month later we finally meet Janie, the birth mother. We had to drive about four hours South of Minnesota and met at a Latter-Day Saint stake center. I remember the first time she walked in. This little 15 year old girl, scared, timid and uneasy. Her mom followed in right behind. She didn’t talk a whole lot at first, but our social worker, Brad, put everyone at east and immediately told us Janie’s story. Soon after he started, she chimed in.

“I’m not LDS,” she started, “But when I first found out I was pregnant, and my boyfriend took off when he heard I was pregnant, I started to look for adoption agencies. Your agency was the first one that was willing to come to me. See, I live way out in no man’s land and don’t have a car, money, nothing to get me to a big city where all the agencies are from. But when I called Brad, he told me not a problem, he would meet me at my house. That really impressed me so I just had to go with LDS adoption agency.”

She continued to explain that Brad had given her about 15-20 couples to review. She said she immediately came to us and looking back, had already made an immediate decision we were the ones, but still felt she had to review all the couples. She then got it down to 10, then 5, then 3. She then went to her mom and asked her which couple she felt would be best. Immediately her mom picked us, and like any teenager, she WASN’T going to agree with who her mom picked. So, back to the drawing board. It took her another few days to try to decide, but she couldn’t deny the feeling she got when she kept looking at us and reading our profile. She said she wasn’t religious, but the only explanation she had is that  God wanted her to pick us because her thoughts and emotions were so strong every time she looked at our profile. For this little girl to hold on so tightly to those feelings made Phil and I comforted. We knew it was the Holy Ghost guiding her in such a powerful, unselfish decision. It was just another confirmation to us that MaKayla was meant to be our daughter.

Again, I was at work when I got the call she went in to labor. However, he suggested we wait as it looks like it will be a long labor and the doctor was only going to do a C-section as last resort. If a C-section, she and the baby would have to stay in the hospital for three days so no point in heading to the hospital. Normally, the child is removed and put in a foster home for 10 days before the family takes the child. In MN, you had to wait 10 days before the mother’s rights are completely relinquished. During that time she can come back and claim her baby. It’s a very difficult, nail biting situation. However, Janie INSISTED we take the baby right away and did not want her to go in to foster care. Nonetheless, we knew part of those 10 days would be while she was in the hospital, breast feeding, holding, diapering and being a mommy to this little girl. Something you just don’t want to happen because it just builds a bond harder and harder to break. So, we paced for three days and then headed down South.

Upon arriving at the LDS Stake Center, we waited for about ½ hour until she, her mom and friend pulled up. Oh, the excitement to see their car. Knowing that she made it this far because she could have easily went straight home with her little girl. So, once again, we waited in one room while she remained out in the corridor. We waited, and waited, and…oh no, she’s going to bolt. It was going on 30 minutes and we still didn’t see her. I was getting nervous. We were all getting nervous. The Relief Society President was there to open the building for us and she kept us up to date of the situation. She would report back; She is pacing the floor with the baby; now she is crying; her mom took the baby to let her go off alone; she is back holding the baby; she is now sobbing in to the baby. It was looking bleaker by the minute. However, we must give credit where credit is due. This wonderful woman, the Relief Society President, who we will never meet again, was probably a huge factor in having MaKayla eventually join our family. She was an adoptive mom herself and completely understood the emotions and events that were transpiring. Finally, she took Janie aside and had a heart to heart. To this day I don’t know what was said, but apparently it did the trick. Within a few minutes, Janie finally entered the room with baby in tow.

45 minutes had past, but upon seeing Janie, it didn’t matter. She immediately walked up to me, handed MaKayla to me without a word. At that moment, I knew it was all about HER! Not the baby, not us…HER. I quickly turned around and handed MaKayla to Phillip and then embraced her and let her cry. She held me for about 30 seconds, pushed away and walked quickly out without a word. That’s okay, I understood. This young women, who I will forever love, admire and be grateful, just handed us our amazing, beautiful, eternal daughter.

Once I handed her to Phil, he immediately turned around and wept. His bond for MaKayla was INSTANT, like a flash as he puts it. Of course, my emotions were in turmoil. Thus why Brad, our social worker, says they usually don’t allow exchanges to occur like that because you are dealing with two very heavy emotions; one of grief and loss and the other of joy and exhilaration. Well, he was right. I was feeling it. My heart ached and ached for Janie. I just was in awe that this young lady had the courage, strength and ability to hand over her child. The scripture, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son,” came to mind. For Janie so loved her daughter that she gave her a mommy and a daddy. This is one of the most unselfish, thoughtful acts I believe any human could possibly make. And, this little girl at the ripe age of 15, probably made the most unselfish decision she had probably ever made in her life, or maybe ever make. How can I not love, respect and honor her for such a courageous act?!

Now, the funny part. Phil is crying and hands me MaKayla. Again, remember, she is my first child. All I had to go on was what I had heard, books I had read, and personal experiences from family and friends who all BIRTHED their own children. So, I am now under the assumption that as soon as I hold this little girl, I will gaze down upon her and there will be an INSTANT bond that will tie us forever and my love will be deep, rich and powerful. I gazed upon her, gazed on her again, but…NOTHING! No instant, flash, immediate, powerful, amazing, flood of ANYTHING. What was wrong with me? I was broken. I was a horrible mom. I was going to be a horrible mom. How could I not feel anything? I immediately started to stress out and poured out my worries to Brad and Phil. They both started to chuckle. Brad, in his wisdom of doing this for years, holding back his laughter, gently looked at me and said that what I was experiencing is very normal and that even women who have their own kids don’t always feel an immediate bond. She is still a stranger and it takes time to get to know someone.

NOPE, not buying it. I was broken. I was convinced of that. Finally, he laughed…yes he did, right out loud…in front of me even, and said, “Okay, I’ll call you on Monday, after you’ve had her for three days and you tell me then if you are still feeling this way.” So, I thought that sounded fair and off we went on our four plus hour drive home.

I sat in the back seat next to her. Still asleep. The whole time she had been sleeping and we hadn’t even seen her eyes yet. I kept looking at her and looking at her. Where is it? Where’s the feeling, where’s the bond, come on Mom! We finally get home and family starts to flood in. But, you guessed it, she is still sleeping and I’m feeling NOTHING! About an hour later, while talking to my sister, I look over at her sleeping in her car seat and all of the sudden, she’s looking right back at me. OH MY GOSH, those eyes. Those amazing, huge black eyes. She was looking right at me and it was like she was looking through me. I yelled to Phil, “COME HERE QUICK; SHE’S AWAKE AN D YOU HAVE TO SEE THESE EYES!” I had always been told that babies have blue eyes. NOT MaKayla, she had the deepest brown, almost black eyes I had ever seen. BUT gorgeous nonetheless. And, all of the sudden, THERE IT WAS! She was MY baby. She was looking at me for the first time and something just happened, in an INSTANT! There was the flood, the emotion, the bond. I picked her up and realized, for the first time, I finally saw her as a baby, a human baby. She was finally kicking, babbling, making noise. SHE WAS ALIVE and there was interaction. With interaction came emotion and with emotion came the bond.

MaKayla had TONS of hair. We were amazed at how much hair she had and BLACK. Now, after seeing her eyes, we knew which “daddy” won out in the sperm war. Yes, she was part Hispanic. One of the possible fathers was from Mexico, and when he heard Janie was pregnant, ran back to Mexico. HIS LOSS! It didn’t matter, she was GORGEOUS. As one of my sisters said, she looked like a China doll.

So, three days later, Brad calls me and with a teasing tone asked, “So, how do you feel now?”

“You couldn’t pry her away from me,” I started, “Not for or with anything. This little girl is MINE.” He laughed, acknowledged that he thought I would say that, and let me get back to being mom. I have to say, MaKayla was an amazing baby. She rarely cried at night, slept through the night almost immediately, was easy to entertain, never fussed, was a great eater, potty-trained in one day, just an easy, all around great baby. My sister said that is not always a good thing because if you get a great baby as your first, you have the expectation that all babies should act like your first. So, when they are not as easy, it makes it all the more difficult. SHE WAS RIGHT, but more on that in a later blog.

I could ramble on and on about MaKayla as she is our first, our oldest and we’ve spent the longest time with her. But, let this suffice. She is our angel, our joy, our MaKayla.